September 8th, 2001

Danger Mouse

The Musketeer.

Tonight, I saw The Musketeer.

It was quite possibly the worst movie I've seen in the theater in. . . years.

Imagine, if you can, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, starring Jackie Chan, and done up as a (serious) swashbuckling movie.

Sounds really lame, doesn't it? Well, the movie was worse.

Occasionally there was some decent action, although most of it was so overblown and exaggerated as to be stupid. There was also a rare funny line, but most of it just didn't fit with the movie which was, overall, trying to be way too serious considering the amount of cheese in it.

Now, I love swashbuckling type movies. I mean, I truly love them. Errol Flynn is, I think, one of the greatest actors of all time. I also love medieval and renaissance movies. Maybe it evokes the romantic in me, or the savage, or maybe I'm just a little loony, I don't know. But I had trouble sitting through this movie.

From the beginning (the credits are really annoying), through the immense cheese, on to the idiotic happenings, it was difficult. For example, at one point D'Artagnan pulls out his Batman-style grappling gun (yes, grappling gun), and shoots it up to a tower window. He then begins rapidly climbing the rope, up the side of the tower. About halfway up, a bad guy or two looks out the window at him, then they leap out the window, as they are also attached to ropes, and come down to fight him suspended in the air against the tower. After fighting while bouncing around for 2-3 minutes, our hero finally hits on the idea of simply cutting the rope that one of his attackers is hanging from. Um, duh? Why in the world did the bad guys ever jump out the window in the first place? Any idiot with a knife and even without a brain would simply cut the rope and watch D'Artagnan fall.

And the fight scenes. . . people are jumping up, hanging oddly in rafters, fighting (for extended periods of time) on ladders (multiple ladders). . . it was just so. . . I don't even know how to describe it. Suffice to say that, with a few small exceptions, I'd rather watch the trailer for this movie than the movie itself.
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